2018 > 2019: The Transition

2018 truly tested my resilience, my self-esteem, my ambition and my patience.

At the start of the year, I was working a dead end job, involved in what unfortunately became a dead end relationship, out of shape & straight up exhausted, mentally and physically.

On July 7th, I found myself single for the first time in six years due to my (now ex) falling out of love, still working at a job that I despised, and living back home with my mother. I was in an ass-load of credit card debt, still out of shape & exhausted, with no creative outlets to help me cope. At that point it seemed that I had forgotten that I had ever enjoyed anything at all. I was in a weird, depressive state of mind for the next two months straight; I felt worthless and alone and like I was no good at anything or for anything at all.

By September though, I had had enough of that bullshit and finally began to realize that, much to my dismay, life doesn’t just stop when I am feeling sad or unmotivated; it just keeps on moving, whether I am able to keep up with it or not. Once I accepted that as fact, that was the start of some crazy self-reflection. “Feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help me accomplish a damn thing,” I wrote in one of my notebooks, over and over again, until it finally stuck. It took some serious convincing, but eventually, I got myself there.

That being said, since then, I have tried with all of my might to start addressing the following issues:

1. My lack of self-esteem: the amount of negative talk that I used to give myself daily was honestly disgusting. Breaking that habit has posed much more difficult than I anticipated, but I am working on it. I did not realize how low I let myself go; the only option now is to work on building myself back up.

2. Co-dependency issues: after July’s breakup, I felt beyond useless and defeated. I found myself looking for some kind of attention, which to my knowledge, I had never felt I’d needed before. The thing with that is, as soon as I found what I THOUGHT I was looking for, I realized that it was the exact opposite of what I needed/wanted. What I NEEDED was to become more comfortable with myself. Work in progress.

3. Sugar-coating things: I have been guilty of this in the past, so often in fact, that I almost forgot that I am actually allowed to voice my personal opinions without feeling relentlessly guilty after the fact. How I feel is how I feel and that is that. Another work in progress.

4. Trying to fix everyone that I met: everyone has their shit and it is not my job to problem solve for them. It is my job to accept and support them in any way that I can, but that is where my responsibility needs to cap off. I have drained myself emotionally so many times over the years and it was not until this year, that I realized it was because, subconsciously, I wanted to feel like a hero; like I was worth something, and that just brings me right back to addressing my own lack of self-esteem. I should not be measuring my self-worth by the number of people that I have or have not been able to “fix;” all that accomplished was setting myself up to fail.

2018 was a lot of give & take. Despite all of those less-than-favorable self-realizations, I have done a lot that I am proud of in the last few months as well!

1. I finally worked up the courage to take a pay cut and started a new career that I am actually passionate about.

2. I started getting myself out on dates again

3. I started writing again.

4. I made some serious headway on paying down my credit card debt.

5. I finally got back into working out regularly and I have lost 15 lbs since.

I am very proud of myself for all of the above, and I can honestly say that it has been a LONG while since I last felt legitimately proud of myself. It is a feeling that I am still getting used to, but I do not hate it. It is a welcomed change but I am still battling my brain on that matter; my head keeps using the terms “proud” and “arrogant,” interchangeably, but I am finally beginning to realize that there is a VERY BIG difference.

2019 is going to be the year that I stop talking down to myself. 2019 is the year that I will start pursuing what is important to me. 2019 is full of promise and that makes me PROUD.

Traveling more, with less.

Good morning everyone! I am currently on my way to New Jersey. I’ve never been and I am looking forward to it!

My trusty little carry on bag and I are on the Amtrak now and ready for 2 days of concerts and the Asbury Park boardwalk. Bring it on!

I only packed essentials this time around, just like I tried to do for my last weekend get away to NY.

Here’s the list of stuff I’ve brought along for the trip:

2 plain tank tops

1 fancy tank top (concert attire)

2 pair of jeans(1 I’m wearing now + 1 backup)

1 pair of shorts

Bathing suit

Beach towel

Flip flops

Sneakers

1 bra

1 bralette

3 pairs of underwear

3 pairs of socks

Sweatshirt

Lint roller

Phone charger

Chambray button up (which I’m using as my beach cover-up)

Travel-sized shower things + travel sized hair spray & make-up wipes

Sunscreen (!!!!)

1 pair of sun glasses

Hair brush

Toothbrush/toothpaste

Basic make-up (cover up, foundation, mascara, lipstick)

Aside from my book and my headphones and phone, that’s it!

Packing less has made the entire travel process so much less stressful and my carry is good for any form of travel – trains, planes,automobiles. It’s versatile and it works so well for me!

I am looking forward to roaming about in a new area with my friends! Should be a great time! Enjoy the rest of your week!