2018 > 2019: The Transition

2018 truly tested my resilience, my self-esteem, my ambition and my patience.

At the start of the year, I was working a dead end job, involved in what unfortunately became a dead end relationship, out of shape & straight up exhausted, mentally and physically.

On July 7th, I found myself single for the first time in six years due to my (now ex) falling out of love, still working at a job that I despised, and living back home with my mother. I was in an ass-load of credit card debt, still out of shape & exhausted, with no creative outlets to help me cope. At that point it seemed that I had forgotten that I had ever enjoyed anything at all. I was in a weird, depressive state of mind for the next two months straight; I felt worthless and alone and like I was no good at anything or for anything at all.

By September though, I had had enough of that bullshit and finally began to realize that, much to my dismay, life doesn’t just stop when I am feeling sad or unmotivated; it just keeps on moving, whether I am able to keep up with it or not. Once I accepted that as fact, that was the start of some crazy self-reflection. “Feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help me accomplish a damn thing,” I wrote in one of my notebooks, over and over again, until it finally stuck. It took some serious convincing, but eventually, I got myself there.

That being said, since then, I have tried with all of my might to start addressing the following issues:

1. My lack of self-esteem: the amount of negative talk that I used to give myself daily was honestly disgusting. Breaking that habit has posed much more difficult than I anticipated, but I am working on it. I did not realize how low I let myself go; the only option now is to work on building myself back up.

2. Co-dependency issues: after July’s breakup, I felt beyond useless and defeated. I found myself looking for some kind of attention, which to my knowledge, I had never felt I’d needed before. The thing with that is, as soon as I found what I THOUGHT I was looking for, I realized that it was the exact opposite of what I needed/wanted. What I NEEDED was to become more comfortable with myself. Work in progress.

3. Sugar-coating things: I have been guilty of this in the past, so often in fact, that I almost forgot that I am actually allowed to voice my personal opinions without feeling relentlessly guilty after the fact. How I feel is how I feel and that is that. Another work in progress.

4. Trying to fix everyone that I met: everyone has their shit and it is not my job to problem solve for them. It is my job to accept and support them in any way that I can, but that is where my responsibility needs to cap off. I have drained myself emotionally so many times over the years and it was not until this year, that I realized it was because, subconciously, I wanted to feel like a hero; like I was worth something, and that just brings me right back to addressing my own lack of self-esteem. I should not be measuring my self-worth by the number of people that I have or have not been able to “fix;” all that accomplished was setting myself up to fail.

2018 was a lot of give & take. Despite all of those less-than-favorable self-realizations, I have done a lot that I am proud of in the last few months as well!

1. I finally worked up the courage to take a pay cut and started a new career that I am actually passionate about.

2. I started getting myself out on dates again

3. I started writing again.

4. I made some serious headway on paying down my credit card debt.

5. I finally got back into excersing regularly and I have lost 15 lbs since.

I am very proud of myself for all of the above, and I can honestly say that it has been a LONG while since I last felt legitimatly proud of myself. It is a feeling that I am still getting used to, but I do not hate it. It is a welcomed change but I am still battling my brain on that matter; my head keeps using the terms “proud” and “arrogant,” interchangeably, but I am finally beginning to realize that there is a VERY BIG difference.

2019 is going to be the year that I stop talking down to myself. 2019 is the year that I will start pursuing what is important to me. 2019 is full of promise and that makes me PROUD.

WOW. It’s been a while.

Hi Everyone!

I am a failure at keeping up with this blog! SO MUCH IS HAPPENING! This will be a quick  update post! Also, my Poem a Day for October is going strong…in my notebook! I will include all of them in a later post to catch you all up! I’ve kept up with it, I just haven’t had the time to type/post them all here!

OKAY, LIFE UPDATE!

I GOT A NEW JOB! I start the very last week of October! I have been hired at a Substance Abuse Clinician and I couldn’t be more excited!! It will be challenging, but I know it will be worth it! Watching my career goals come to fruition has been a dream! I didn’t expect to be offered a full-time position so soon, but when opportunity knocks, you better answer the door! I am so, so excited to do something that I am passionate about! “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

OTHER THINGS: Key points –

  • Dating again is weird
  • Online dating is even weirder
  • I’ve surprisingly had some decent luck with it, but all dates have wound up as new friends rather than romantic interests thus far – not even mad.
  • I had to get Facebook again because I was asked to be the MOH in my best friend’s wedding! It will be gone again once all of the planning and all of that is done with (Next October!) I am not happy about it, but I’ll do anything for my friends!
  • My TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is coming up in January! I feel old AF! Looking forward to seeing everyone though
  • The goal to downsize all the things is going well!
  • My credit card debt should be paid off by Christmas (!!!!)
  • I am saving for a condo and hope to have my own place by next Summer!

I am currently training my replacement and trying to get everything situated before I leave this position, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for another few weeks. It’s nothing personal, life is just happening and I’m doing my best to keep up! I’ll do another post ASAP!

Enjoy your week!

Cleaning out my (mom’s) closet! & A new Poetry challenge!

Hello, happy Monday; give me all the coffee! Also, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IT IS ALREADY OCTOBER!

So, this weekend was pretty solid. I spent some much needed girl time with my best fraaand since age 6, I went on a great date, had a lot of great conversations and ate a lot of delicious food! Additionally, on Sunday, I (finally!) got my mom to go through the first round of cleaning out her closet! My mom is a beautiful lady, who always tends to wear things that are super worn and too big on her; we started to remedy that issue yesterday. Never have I ever seen SO many clothes. We made a pretty good dent, but we still have 2 dressers and another small closet to go. Progress photos below!

BEFORE! (YIKES!)

AFTER!!!!! (YAY!)

After that whole process was complete, we wound up with 3 huge bags full of clothing, (which we donated to the Lawrence Crisis Center) and a whole box full of name-brand clothing that we will be trying to sell to second-hand stores for some extra cash.

I love to help people de-clutter, but I also need to remember that not everyone is as comfortable as I am with going down to just basics. It’s going to be a different process for everyone that I assist/that goes through the process themselves. Everyone has a different definition of “just enough,” so, not only was this a learning experience for her, but it was for me as well.

Additionally, yesterday I decided that I am going to write one poem a day for the entire month of October. I do not write as much as I used to and that is a horrible, terrible, very bad thing. I love writing poetry! (And I don’t suck at it entirely either!) so, that being said, this “challenge” will be an effort to get myself back into the creative swing of things. I’ll post them all on here, so keep your eyes peeled if that peeks your interest!

That’s all for now!

Fall is here!

Good morning and happy* Monday everyone!

*Okay, honestly, I always have mixed feelings about Mondays, but they’re not the worst thing in the world – it just feels like it sometimes.

This weekend was eventful and very productive. I changed out all of my Summer clothing for Fall/Winter items yesterday. The process was long, as I did not realize how many fall items I had, but that’s what happens when you put stuff away for half of the year, I guess. Great news is, I was able to get together another box of clothing to donate! Additionally, some of the items were name-brand and in great condition, so I’ll be able to sell those items to a consignment store and make some cash, which I intend to use to replace my more-than-worn winter boots from last year. Here’s some photos of the process! (If you follow me on Instagram (@lindsliveswithless), you may have already seen these!)

BEFORE:

AFTER! 

It look like a whole heck of a lot, and that is because I recently had to buy a bunch of new work clothes because…I AM DOWN 10 LBS! (Before & after pictures below!) Zumba is really paying off! (And it is so much fun!!) I am very grateful to have finally found a type of exercise that I actually enjoy doing. The search was long! Trust me! haha!screenshot_20180924-093042_instagram1699404042940257288.jpg

Exciting, but more expensive than I’d like! haha! But let’s lay this out – so, in my newly organized closet, pictured above, the left side is all interview/suit & tie items. After that is my shoe rack and in the middle are all of my dresses, blouses and cardigans. the storage next to that is all of the sweaters and casual wear that did not need to be hung up. And, LAST but not least, since I do live in New England, the right side is strictly jackets and outerwear. The other two pictures are all undergarments + workout & pajama items.

For those interested in an itemized list of my closet items, what I have there is as follows:

Jackets: 1 denim, 1 black denim, 1 motorcycle, 1 wool coat

Smart Business Items: 1 black pencil skirt, 1 pleated skirt, 3 pairs of black slacks & 2 suit jackets (1 plaid, 1 black)

Dresses: 1 black & white striped, 1 long-sleeved t-shirt, 1 short-sleeved t-shirt with neck line detail and 1 plaid

Blouses: 1 leopard print, 1 maroon, 1 dressy tank and 1 black

Cardigans: 1 black, 2 yellow (gifted one, had already bought another, but I wear them often, so I’ve kept both)

Shoes: 1 pair each of – black booties, Toms, Vans, workout sneakers, leopard flats, low-heeled black pumps and (not pictured) nude flats (which I keep at work)

Aside from that, there are a few comfy sweaters (that can be dressed up or down), 2 vests, 3 camis, 3 t-shirts, 3 pairs of jeans and some scarves for the colder days.

In other news, I am proud to announce that my love for de-cluttering may be starting to rub off on my mom! She did a kick ass job de-cluttering her kitchen this weekend and we are going to get her closet done this coming weekend! I am so excited!

ALSO, I have an interview this week and I am crossing my fingers! Please, wish me luck!

I think that is all for now. Hope everyone has a great week!

 

Rain, rain, go away.

Hello and happy Tuesday! It is POURING in Boston. Hope everyone is staying dry!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately – mostly because I continuously get the feeling of being “stuck” in my current situation. Fact of the matter is, I am not “stuck,” I am just bored. Bored with work, unfulfilled and still have yet to find a career that I’d like to grow into. I have SO many different interests and I am beginning to realize that I have never allowed myself to hone in on what I truly ENJOY doing.

There does not seem to be ONE thing that I like more than everything else, but no matter what, I always come back to the conclusion – that I would really enjoy a job where I was HELPING people directly on the regular. What I am doing now does not cut it. Scheduling meetings is fine, but not fulfilling. Filing is fine, but not fulfilling. Etc. This career path holds no true meaning for me, but it is “fine.” But the more I think about it, the more I realize that simply doing “fine,” is not how I want to live my life.

I’ve known this for a while, but I always scare myself out of making any significant change because of money, usually. Everything is just SO expensive, especially in this area. It’s insane. I’ve constantly allowed my need for financial stability to outweigh my desire to find a career that I am truly passionate about. Well, I am all done with that way of thinking. From this point forward, I am going full out. Pay cuts will be eminent, but  quality of life is so much more important to me than money. I just need to stop letting myself get distracted from that point.  It’s not worth the stress.

I am in a position now where I am single, (luckily) do not have to pay rent for at least a few more months and have all of my loans in good standing. The time is now.