2018 > 2019: The Transition

2018 truly tested my resilience, my self-esteem, my ambition and my patience.

At the start of the year, I was working a dead end job, involved in what unfortunately became a dead end relationship, out of shape & straight up exhausted, mentally and physically.

On July 7th, I found myself single for the first time in six years due to my (now ex) falling out of love, still working at a job that I despised, and living back home with my mother. I was in an ass-load of credit card debt, still out of shape & exhausted, with no creative outlets to help me cope. At that point it seemed that I had forgotten that I had ever enjoyed anything at all. I was in a weird, depressive state of mind for the next two months straight; I felt worthless and alone and like I was no good at anything or for anything at all.

By September though, I had had enough of that bullshit and finally began to realize that, much to my dismay, life doesn’t just stop when I am feeling sad or unmotivated; it just keeps on moving, whether I am able to keep up with it or not. Once I accepted that as fact, that was the start of some crazy self-reflection. “Feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help me accomplish a damn thing,” I wrote in one of my notebooks, over and over again, until it finally stuck. It took some serious convincing, but eventually, I got myself there.

That being said, since then, I have tried with all of my might to start addressing the following issues:

1. My lack of self-esteem: the amount of negative talk that I used to give myself daily was honestly disgusting. Breaking that habit has posed much more difficult than I anticipated, but I am working on it. I did not realize how low I let myself go; the only option now is to work on building myself back up.

2. Co-dependency issues: after July’s breakup, I felt beyond useless and defeated. I found myself looking for some kind of attention, which to my knowledge, I had never felt I’d needed before. The thing with that is, as soon as I found what I THOUGHT I was looking for, I realized that it was the exact opposite of what I needed/wanted. What I NEEDED was to become more comfortable with myself. Work in progress.

3. Sugar-coating things: I have been guilty of this in the past, so often in fact, that I almost forgot that I am actually allowed to voice my personal opinions without feeling relentlessly guilty after the fact. How I feel is how I feel and that is that. Another work in progress.

4. Trying to fix everyone that I met: everyone has their shit and it is not my job to problem solve for them. It is my job to accept and support them in any way that I can, but that is where my responsibility needs to cap off. I have drained myself emotionally so many times over the years and it was not until this year, that I realized it was because, subconciously, I wanted to feel like a hero; like I was worth something, and that just brings me right back to addressing my own lack of self-esteem. I should not be measuring my self-worth by the number of people that I have or have not been able to “fix;” all that accomplished was setting myself up to fail.

2018 was a lot of give & take. Despite all of those less-than-favorable self-realizations, I have done a lot that I am proud of in the last few months as well!

1. I finally worked up the courage to take a pay cut and started a new career that I am actually passionate about.

2. I started getting myself out on dates again

3. I started writing again.

4. I made some serious headway on paying down my credit card debt.

5. I finally got back into excersing regularly and I have lost 15 lbs since.

I am very proud of myself for all of the above, and I can honestly say that it has been a LONG while since I last felt legitimatly proud of myself. It is a feeling that I am still getting used to, but I do not hate it. It is a welcomed change but I am still battling my brain on that matter; my head keeps using the terms “proud” and “arrogant,” interchangeably, but I am finally beginning to realize that there is a VERY BIG difference.

2019 is going to be the year that I stop talking down to myself. 2019 is the year that I will start pursuing what is important to me. 2019 is full of promise and that makes me PROUD.

I am the worst.

So sorry for the radio silence!

It is truly incredible how many freakin’ distractions exist in my day to day. The last few months have been all go, go, go. Hardly any time to myself.

That being said, here are a few pictures from adventures over the last few months, followed by some poems because I have been writing, but failing at posting.

Thanks for humoring me! Back at you ASAP woth another update!

Inner Self

The horizon of my inner self often baracades the outside world from permiating my physical form. My face remains still; composed, like stone.

Human

Cheers to remembering that I am only human and that this world spans far beyond the horizon of my inner self.

Toes

The day that we met, you spoke to me in sonnets; I quickly became acustomed to your sweet words and hollow sounds.

“Grateful,” is my way of paraphrasing, “Thank you for this second chance at love. I’d given up on it before because the entire concept was beyond overwhelming for me, but you’ve lessened that burden just by existing.”

Every time your toes curl, I am rejuvenated; it makes me whole; it fills this void, brought on by many years of, “good enough;” it reminds me that I am a human, with emotions and car payments – it reminds me that I exist and that you exist and that we’re good together and that the world has approved that notion, in her own, subtle way.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I can, in fact, feel a warm Summer’s rain on my skin and the coldest of winter breezes on my face. My cheeks turn so red when that happens; this must be what it means to “live.”

Poems & stuff

I suppose it’s safe to say that I’ll post on here once a week. I’ll try to do more, but I have been slacking and I don’t want to make a promise that I can’t keep. Life gets busy. I forget to post for days, the cycle continues. I am working on that. It’s honestly amazing how easy it is to get distracted.

Life has been okay lately. I have definitely been getting myself out there more and trying to create some new, lasting friendships/relationships. I’ve met some really great people, but also some incredibly strange ones. So it goes… this process will be long and drawn out, but I am happy to report that I’m at least trying!

Anyway, on to the poetry that I’ve promised… 

  1. September days blend
    with nights that I’d rather forget
    and new memories that I’ve yet to create
    Astonishingly strange,
    foreign, even;
    but I’ve embraced this change of pace
    and if my notions serve me well,
    these regrets will soon become
    a thing of the past
  2. It’s okay to outgrow people;
    I’ve recognized that fully,
    and that’s a start, at least.
    Harder still, has been the attempt
    to reacquaint myself …with myself.
    My personality bears burdens that I do not recall
    and she can be difficult, at times

  3. An attachment still lingers,
    but not the one that most would assume.
    I’ve moved on from that.
    This one runs a whole lot deeper; 
    it’s existed for decades
    and it keeps getting stranger

  4.  I do not enjoy uncertainty
    it just seems so vicious.