Re-focusing on myself

So, it’s been almost 3 weeks of moping around and being sad about this break-up – these feeling aren’t going to go away any time soon, however, I am coming just enough out of this slump to realize that I can’t let my emotions keep me from taking care of myself.

I cancelled my gym membership and finally signed up to join a Zumba studio, which is something I’ve wanted to do since I graduated from college and no longer had dance club during the week! I don’t know what kept me from doing it before, but what better time than now to get back into the hobbies I’ve wanted to pursue in years past?

Additionally, I’ve made more moves toward my career change and am hoping this week’s interview went well! Cross your fingers for me., please!

The one goal I have at this point is to focus on MYSELF. It’s been years since I’ve actually done that and I am beginning to realize how much of myself has been lost in that time frame. It is so strange to seemingly have SO MUCH free time now, to fill up with things that I enjoy. It’s a really refreshing realization.

I should be back next week with my “What’s in my wardrobe?” post, which I’ve been meaning to write. Looks like I may actually have some time to do that over the next week or so, so keep an eye out for that one!

That’s all for now, enjoy your weekend!

Today is strange.

I am going to get some stuff off of my chest right now. You’ve been warned.

Yesterday, I wound up having to move the rest of my stuff out of the apartment that I used to share with my (now ex) boyfriend of almost 6 years. It was terrible. I’ve never cried so much in my life and I’ve never experienced so many emotions at once. His story is one that he has decided he needs to live without me. I don’t know if it’s permanent, I don’t know what it means, and I don’t know what he is feeling, but he believes that he needs to do his own thing right now.

The hardest part about all of this is that his decision to end things actually has nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do. It’s solely something internal that has been eating at him over the last year. I can’t tell you how many times he’s said that to me and apologized for everything – for being the catalyst for all of this. When he told me he “hadn’t been excited about the relationship for over a year,” my heart felt like it had shattered into 5076575806257635 pieces. I was so taken aback – so thrown off. I don’t understand and I’ve never been more confused. At the same time, while trying to deal with my own emotions, I like to think that I understand what he needs. His honesty was both refreshing and heartbreaking. He has always been such an honest and amazing person, and that is why this has hit me so hard. I don’t know what changed inside of his head, but I can’t help but think I had something to do with it, despite his constant, “No, this is all me.” It almost feels like he’s lost himself and that destroys me, down to my very core.

The thing here is that I love him SO much, that all I want is what is best for him. I am devastated that what he believes is best may not involve me, but I am doing my best to respect his decision. I gave my keys back yesterday, we’ve switched the phones over, all of the technical things have been done, and now all that’s left for me to do is grieve. This wasn’t a hostile break-up; this break-up has come to fruition because he is missing something inside of himself and all I want is for him to find his peace.

I know that I’ve mentioned this before, but I have to keep reminding myself of it: “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are yours, if they don’t, they never were.”

I hope with every fiber of my being, that he finds his way back to me, but I know that I cannot will something like this to work in my favor. Only time will tell and only fate can guide something like this. My heart is so heavy. I don’t know what else to say.

Going through the motions…

My boyfriend of 5.5 years broke up with me. It’s been a very weird last few days, to say the least. I am certain that I’ve experienced every emotion you could possibly imagine – anger, depression, defeat, betrayal, relief, regret, loneliness, self-doubt, distrust, exhaustion, incompetence, nervousness, I could go on, but I’ll save you the time. To sum it up, I have felt like absolute sh*t. I realize that this is normal, but I almost feel like I should somehow be over it already (which is absolutely ridiculous), but that’s where my brain is at currently.

Life throws curve balls (to put it lightly) and no matter the state of things prior, no matter how “prepared” you thought you were, you won’t be. It’s just not possible. It is a difficult reality to face that the last (almost) 6 years of my life were spent pouring my whole self into a relationship, only to have it end. If I could have it my way, we would have worked through whatever this burden is together; I would have helped him heal and all would have been right with the world, but that was just not the case. Everyone has demons, everyone has to face certain things on their own, I am just devastated that I can’t help. It is the worst feeling that I have ever known.

Despite all of this and no matter how down on myself I am right now, my friends and family have all been there to try and pull me back up and I am BEYOND grateful for that. It helps prove to me that I must be doing something right. If I wasn’t a decent person, this support system simply would not exist. So, as much as I am blaming myself right now, the truth is that this situation has absolutely nothing to do with me. There is nothing that I could have done to prevent it. For him, this battle is internal and I, unfortunately, have been caught in the crossfire. I have to learn how to focus on healing myself.

I wish him peace. I wish him love. I wish him self-confidence and the ability to learn to love himself – because no matter the situation, loving another person is impossible, unless you have tended to your own needs first.

ALL I WANT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Please, take care.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they are yours; if they don’t they never were.” – Richard Bach