2018 truly tested my resilience, my self-esteem, my ambition and my patience.
At the start of the year, I was working a dead end job, involved in what unfortunately became a dead end relationship, out of shape & straight up exhausted, mentally and physically.
On July 7th, I found myself single for the first time in six years due to my (now ex) falling out of love, still working at a job that I despised, and living back home with my mother. I was in an ass-load of credit card debt, still out of shape & exhausted, with no creative outlets to help me cope. At that point it seemed that I had forgotten that I had ever enjoyed anything at all. I was in a weird, depressive state of mind for the next two months straight; I felt worthless and alone and like I was no good at anything or for anything at all.
By September though, I had had enough of that bullshit and finally began to realize that, much to my dismay, life doesn’t just stop when I am feeling sad or unmotivated; it just keeps on moving, whether I am able to keep up with it or not. Once I accepted that as fact, that was the start of some crazy self-reflection. “Feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help me accomplish a damn thing,” I wrote in one of my notebooks, over and over again, until it finally stuck. It took some serious convincing, but eventually, I got myself there.
That being said, since then, I have tried with all of my might to start addressing the following issues:
1. My lack of self-esteem: the amount of negative talk that I used to give myself daily was honestly disgusting. Breaking that habit has posed much more difficult than I anticipated, but I am working on it. I did not realize how low I let myself go; the only option now is to work on building myself back up.
2. Co-dependency issues: after July’s breakup, I felt beyond useless and defeated. I found myself looking for some kind of attention, which to my knowledge, I had never felt I’d needed before. The thing with that is, as soon as I found what I THOUGHT I was looking for, I realized that it was the exact opposite of what I needed/wanted. What I NEEDED was to become more comfortable with myself. Work in progress.
3. Sugar-coating things: I have been guilty of this in the past, so often in fact, that I almost forgot that I am actually allowed to voice my personal opinions without feeling relentlessly guilty after the fact. How I feel is how I feel and that is that. Another work in progress.
4. Trying to fix everyone that I met: everyone has their shit and it is not my job to problem solve for them. It is my job to accept and support them in any way that I can, but that is where my responsibility needs to cap off. I have drained myself emotionally so many times over the years and it was not until this year, that I realized it was because, subconsciously, I wanted to feel like a hero; like I was worth something, and that just brings me right back to addressing my own lack of self-esteem. I should not be measuring my self-worth by the number of people that I have or have not been able to “fix;” all that accomplished was setting myself up to fail.
2018 was a lot of give & take. Despite all of those less-than-favorable self-realizations, I have done a lot that I am proud of in the last few months as well!
1. I finally worked up the courage to take a pay cut and started a new career that I am actually passionate about.
2. I started getting myself out on dates again
3. I started writing again.
4. I made some serious headway on paying down my credit card debt.
5. I finally got back into working out regularly and I have lost 15 lbs since.
I am very proud of myself for all of the above, and I can honestly say that it has been a LONG while since I last felt legitimately proud of myself. It is a feeling that I am still getting used to, but I do not hate it. It is a welcomed change but I am still battling my brain on that matter; my head keeps using the terms “proud” and “arrogant,” interchangeably, but I am finally beginning to realize that there is a VERY BIG difference.
2019 is going to be the year that I stop talking down to myself. 2019 is the year that I will start pursuing what is important to me. 2019 is full of promise and that makes me PROUD.