I am going to get some stuff off of my chest right now. You’ve been warned.
Yesterday, I wound up having to move the rest of my stuff out of the apartment that I used to share with my (now ex) boyfriend of almost 6 years. It was terrible. I’ve never cried so much in my life and I’ve never experienced so many emotions at once. His story is one that he has decided he needs to live without me. I don’t know if it’s permanent, I don’t know what it means, and I don’t know what he is feeling, but he believes that he needs to do his own thing right now.
The hardest part about all of this is that his decision to end things actually has nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do. It’s solely something internal that has been eating at him over the last year. I can’t tell you how many times he’s said that to me and apologized for everything – for being the catalyst for all of this. When he told me he “hadn’t been excited about the relationship for over a year,” my heart felt like it had shattered into 5076575806257635 pieces. I was so taken aback – so thrown off. I don’t understand and I’ve never been more confused. At the same time, while trying to deal with my own emotions, I like to think that I understand what he needs. His honesty was both refreshing and heartbreaking. He has always been such an honest and amazing person, and that is why this has hit me so hard. I don’t know what changed inside of his head, but I can’t help but think I had something to do with it, despite his constant, “No, this is all me.” It almost feels like he’s lost himself and that destroys me, down to my very core.
The thing here is that I love him SO much, that all I want is what is best for him. I am devastated that what he believes is best may not involve me, but I am doing my best to respect his decision. I gave my keys back yesterday, we’ve switched the phones over, all of the technical things have been done, and now all that’s left for me to do is grieve. This wasn’t a hostile break-up; this break-up has come to fruition because he is missing something inside of himself and all I want is for him to find his peace.
I know that I’ve mentioned this before, but I have to keep reminding myself of it: “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are yours, if they don’t, they never were.”
I hope with every fiber of my being, that he finds his way back to me, but I know that I cannot will something like this to work in my favor. Only time will tell and only fate can guide something like this. My heart is so heavy. I don’t know what else to say.