Poems and such!

I cannot believe that we are already half way through the first month of 2019! Where does the time go?!?!

Here are a few poems that I have written over the last few weeks!

You.

I sat,
(before you)
in a dark place
with dim lights
so accustomed
to the drag
that I almost
forgot
what the sun
felt like

The sky saw
that I was
fading,
quickly…

And so, it sent you;

Hurdling toward me,
in with the tide;
full of pebbles
and salt,
folding into me
in the gentlest way.

Hello.

I remember our first conversation – it was all small talk,
inflated by bad jokes and caffeine; so uncertain but pure;
like a small child learning how to walk.

Hello, Part 2.

We just wanted some time to speak to each other
without interruption, so we moved through the side streets
and back allies with nothing but grace and the utmost caution;
We howled, so loudly that the moon was startled,
so it moved behind the clouds.

The air was cold, but our conversations were temperate,
divulging secrets only our pillows had known prior.
We poked fun at the trees and the pavement,
pointing out their cracks and bare branches,
in an effort to make ourselves feel whole.

Night. 

Night is the best disguise for uncertainty.
The moonlight creates a cloak of confidence,
non-existent to the sun and to all of mankind,
Formed by the darkest of blues and a bit of liquor.

 

 

 

2018 > 2019: The Transition

2018 truly tested my resilience, my self-esteem, my ambition and my patience.

At the start of the year, I was working a dead end job, involved in what unfortunately became a dead end relationship, out of shape & straight up exhausted, mentally and physically.

On July 7th, I found myself single for the first time in six years due to my (now ex) falling out of love, still working at a job that I despised, and living back home with my mother. I was in an ass-load of credit card debt, still out of shape & exhausted, with no creative outlets to help me cope. At that point it seemed that I had forgotten that I had ever enjoyed anything at all. I was in a weird, depressive state of mind for the next two months straight; I felt worthless and alone and like I was no good at anything or for anything at all.

By September though, I had had enough of that bullshit and finally began to realize that, much to my dismay, life doesn’t just stop when I am feeling sad or unmotivated; it just keeps on moving, whether I am able to keep up with it or not. Once I accepted that as fact, that was the start of some crazy self-reflection. “Feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help me accomplish a damn thing,” I wrote in one of my notebooks, over and over again, until it finally stuck. It took some serious convincing, but eventually, I got myself there.

That being said, since then, I have tried with all of my might to start addressing the following issues:

1. My lack of self-esteem: the amount of negative talk that I used to give myself daily was honestly disgusting. Breaking that habit has posed much more difficult than I anticipated, but I am working on it. I did not realize how low I let myself go; the only option now is to work on building myself back up.

2. Co-dependency issues: after July’s breakup, I felt beyond useless and defeated. I found myself looking for some kind of attention, which to my knowledge, I had never felt I’d needed before. The thing with that is, as soon as I found what I THOUGHT I was looking for, I realized that it was the exact opposite of what I needed/wanted. What I NEEDED was to become more comfortable with myself. Work in progress.

3. Sugar-coating things: I have been guilty of this in the past, so often in fact, that I almost forgot that I am actually allowed to voice my personal opinions without feeling relentlessly guilty after the fact. How I feel is how I feel and that is that. Another work in progress.

4. Trying to fix everyone that I met: everyone has their shit and it is not my job to problem solve for them. It is my job to accept and support them in any way that I can, but that is where my responsibility needs to cap off. I have drained myself emotionally so many times over the years and it was not until this year, that I realized it was because, subconciously, I wanted to feel like a hero; like I was worth something, and that just brings me right back to addressing my own lack of self-esteem. I should not be measuring my self-worth by the number of people that I have or have not been able to “fix;” all that accomplished was setting myself up to fail.

2018 was a lot of give & take. Despite all of those less-than-favorable self-realizations, I have done a lot that I am proud of in the last few months as well!

1. I finally worked up the courage to take a pay cut and started a new career that I am actually passionate about.

2. I started getting myself out on dates again

3. I started writing again.

4. I made some serious headway on paying down my credit card debt.

5. I finally got back into excersing regularly and I have lost 15 lbs since.

I am very proud of myself for all of the above, and I can honestly say that it has been a LONG while since I last felt legitimatly proud of myself. It is a feeling that I am still getting used to, but I do not hate it. It is a welcomed change but I am still battling my brain on that matter; my head keeps using the terms “proud” and “arrogant,” interchangeably, but I am finally beginning to realize that there is a VERY BIG difference.

2019 is going to be the year that I stop talking down to myself. 2019 is the year that I will start pursuing what is important to me. 2019 is full of promise and that makes me PROUD.

“Old friend”

“Old Friend”

The other day was a great day;
keeping up with the good
regressing from the bad,
creating a conversation
focused on goals & the inspiration
we’ve obtained from others.

We joined in joking moments
laughing at eachother’s flaws
coersing our best qualities
to the surface of ourselves.

Like old friends,
(our connection)
we reminiced about the good old (daze),
focused on eachother’s gaze,
laughing in circles,
while we held eachother’s hands.

LIFE UPDATE.

LONG POST WARNING.

2018 has been a trying year for me, to say the least. My 6-year relationship, with the person that I thought I was going to marry, ended, I had to move back in with my mother, I was working a job that sucked the life out of me, I was sick all of the time due to stress & MS-related things, in a bunch of credit card debt that I couldn’t seem free myself of, while trying to pay my way through certification programs to finish up school, gained more weight than I’d care to admit and I really let self-care fall by the wayside. I spent the first 6 months of this year wallowing in self-pitty; I was sad all of the time, because I kept focusing on trying to fix other people’s issues instead of focusing on bettering myself.

Today though, is about being THANKFUL and despite all of the “bad,” that I have experienced this year, I am thankful for every second of 2018. I am grateful for every curve ball that it threw at me, for every tear that I’ve shed since January, for all of the support I have recieved from my amazing friends and family, and for any and all things that have brought me to this moment, because today, I am stronger, happier and more driven than I have ever been.

Since that break-up at the start of July, I have begun to rediscover myself. I quit that job, because it did not bring me joy, and I began to simplify my entire lifestyle, based on that exact principle; if it didn’t bring me joy, I LET IT GO.

On November 1st, I started my dream job as a Substance Abuse Clinician. I went back to zumba, because I missed dancing. I lost all of the weight that I had gained. I gained back some confidence (work in progress), I started writing again, my credit card debt is almost entirely paid off and all that stands between me and my Drug and Alcohol Counseling license is a 3-month practicum; everything is falling into place.

2018 has been a whirlwind, but every single day that I wake up now, I am excited to go to work. I am excited to work out and I am excited to use writing as an outlet again; I am just happy to be alive and the graitude that I feel cannot be put into words. Thankful is an understatement.

All of that being said. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! Enjoy your day!

I am the worst.

So sorry for the radio silence!

It is truly incredible how many freakin’ distractions exist in my day to day. The last few months have been all go, go, go. Hardly any time to myself.

That being said, here are a few pictures from adventures over the last few months, followed by some poems because I have been writing, but failing at posting.

Thanks for humoring me! Back at you ASAP woth another update!

Inner Self

The horizon of my inner self often baracades the outside world from permiating my physical form. My face remains still; composed, like stone.

Human

Cheers to remembering that I am only human and that this world spans far beyond the horizon of my inner self.

Toes

The day that we met, you spoke to me in sonnets; I quickly became acustomed to your sweet words and hollow sounds.

“Grateful,” is my way of paraphrasing, “Thank you for this second chance at love. I’d given up on it before because the entire concept was beyond overwhelming for me, but you’ve lessened that burden just by existing.”

Every time your toes curl, I am rejuvenated; it makes me whole; it fills this void, brought on by many years of, “good enough;” it reminds me that I am a human, with emotions and car payments – it reminds me that I exist and that you exist and that we’re good together and that the world has approved that notion, in her own, subtle way.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I can, in fact, feel a warm Summer’s rain on my skin and the coldest of winter breezes on my face. My cheeks turn so red when that happens; this must be what it means to “live.”

WOW. It’s been a while.

Hi Everyone!

I am a failure at keeping up with this blog! SO MUCH IS HAPPENING! This will be a quick  update post! Also, my Poem a Day for October is going strong…in my notebook! I will include all of them in a later post to catch you all up! I’ve kept up with it, I just haven’t had the time to type/post them all here!

OKAY, LIFE UPDATE!

I GOT A NEW JOB! I start the very last week of October! I have been hired at a Substance Abuse Clinician and I couldn’t be more excited!! It will be challenging, but I know it will be worth it! Watching my career goals come to fruition has been a dream! I didn’t expect to be offered a full-time position so soon, but when opportunity knocks, you better answer the door! I am so, so excited to do something that I am passionate about! “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

OTHER THINGS: Key points –

  • Dating again is weird
  • Online dating is even weirder
  • I’ve surprisingly had some decent luck with it, but all dates have wound up as new friends rather than romantic interests thus far – not even mad.
  • I had to get Facebook again because I was asked to be the MOH in my best friend’s wedding! It will be gone again once all of the planning and all of that is done with (Next October!) I am not happy about it, but I’ll do anything for my friends!
  • My TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is coming up in January! I feel old AF! Looking forward to seeing everyone though
  • The goal to downsize all the things is going well!
  • My credit card debt should be paid off by Christmas (!!!!)
  • I am saving for a condo and hope to have my own place by next Summer!

I am currently training my replacement and trying to get everything situated before I leave this position, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for another few weeks. It’s nothing personal, life is just happening and I’m doing my best to keep up! I’ll do another post ASAP!

Enjoy your week!